Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
