Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Drake has all the answers
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
