I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can I color on your dick again?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize