I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
