I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
