Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
