Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I looked at my own cervix.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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