I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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