I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
