seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
how does that bad decision feel?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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