i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
