tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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