Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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