Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
