new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
