i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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