I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
