You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
