Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize