Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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