it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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