I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you had me at cake vodka
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
