oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
