The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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