I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
