Say something about gay babies.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
