I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
