What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
