someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
