she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
