do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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