he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
