dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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