It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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