how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
