Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
