I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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