I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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