just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
