dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
