I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
