Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize