I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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