Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
