i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
