remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
