we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
