I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
