she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize