why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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