I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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