Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
