you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
