I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
