Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Drunk is a universal language darling
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