My liver just broke up with me...
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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