Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
