I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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