I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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